A Monday Musing, A Tuesday Tantrum and Turning into an Accidental Wallflower

I did tell you once that I won’t ever remember writing the musings on Monday, didn’t I?
Today is not Monday, but this is still a musing or more like a tantrum. I should call This Mumbai Tantrum, although again it is not really the fault of the city.
Recently I read a book called Diary of An Accidental Wallflower. In the book, the main heroine somehow twists her ankle and then has to sit on sidelines while her friends dance and try to take away her chance with the Duke of that time. And she ends up realizing that she liked her physician more than she loved the Duke, and that those she considered her as a friend were actually backstabbing bitches.
This post is not about the romance, but about being a wallflower. I have never been a wallflower (except probably when I was in Class 11 and 12, but I am not sure what people’s perception was at that time!) I am the kind of person who can speak non-stop and to everyone. I do not join the crowd because I hate to be the part of unnecessary drama, but I never felt that I was someone ignored or not seen or not talked to.
But since I shifted to Mumbai, I have this feeling that I am shrinking away from the world and more into myself(Verdict is still out on whether I am expanding or not!), especially in my new office. I know you will be thinking that it is a new city and new people and things like exclusion are bound to happen. But the problem is that I have stopped liking the people.
We are bunch of around 60 people who shifted from Delhi, some of them seniors, some of them juniors. If I guess the number of my-age-group people, there are around 20 such people. And I have none–not even a single one to invite for lunch or to sit beside to share my lunch. Part of the problem is that all my friends changed the jobs and this bunch of people never became my friend during my Delhi stint as well. But there is another part of the problem too.
During lunch we have a restaurant type cafeteria where each square table has four chairs. Now one will expect that the people will settle themselves  and occupy four or five tables. But what ends up happening is they all adjust themselves on two tables. Each table has some six to eight people(the table size is not changed because we are not allowed to move those tables). I initially sat in these group and ended up either elbowing people or being elbowed or once, even elbowing a glass of water. Worse than it was the conversation which always circled around the point how much better we were in our initial location and how Mumbai is too expensive and how company is still mistreating us and how bosses are not doing anything etc. etc. I can bear cribbing, but hearing the same thing daily is a pain.
And that is why I stopped being the part of the group. I started sharing tables with the random strangers from the office. These strangers talk among themselves and I just let the noise wash over me. Initially I felt bad about how my colleagues from the previous location did not call me when they were going to cafeteria and used to wonder if I should join them. But now, over the period of three months, I have realized that I really don’t like sitting with them. I feel as out of place with them as I am with those random strangers–more so because I feel guilty that I am not adding to the nonsense complaints being voiced out. At least with the strangers, I am not required to make unnecessary small talks.
Dictionary defines wallflower as “a shy or excluded person at a dance or party, especially a girl without a partner.” I am not shy, excluded, yes, but that is more of a mix of multiple reasons.
Does that mean I am wallflower now? Or am I truly shrinking? Is that how the wallflower used to become wallflower? Because they were different, and because they were not really interested in the activities of the ton?

And this just reminds me of another book I loved, “The Perks of Being Wallflower“. Now I am still struggling to know whether I am a wallflower yet or not, or if it is good to be in that position or not, but I do feeling that Charlie’s lines from the letter suited me too.
I will end this post with the though from the book itself: “I wanted to laugh. Or maybe get mad. Or maybe shrug at how strange everyone was, especially me.”

6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sonia Lal
    Jul 28, 2015 @ 21:43:36

    I have always been a wallflower. Hmm. I don’t know. Meet other people at the office? Join a book club? What about your team – is it filled with the people from before?


    • parichitasingh
      Jul 28, 2015 @ 22:49:34

      I have six days working. Book club thing didn’t work out. They meet on Saturdays mostly.

      As for office people, I talk to few of them but almost everyone is workaholic. They have zero interest in anything else.


  2. TheLastWord
    Jul 29, 2015 @ 00:42:01

    Isn’t a wallflower a stronger flower? I mean there is no place into which to ground your roots, so you end up being rooted in yourself. ( I’m copyrighting that… ) 🙂

    The jury is out whether I’m an extrovert or introvert myself. I think you need to give yourself time to find people to hang out with. Maybe there won’t be anyone at work to hang out with. It happened to me once. Ride it out.


    • parichitasingh
      Jul 29, 2015 @ 05:30:02

      Yes. I do not think that it is a weakness or not, but I do think it is a weird feeling. Oh but I am an extrovert wallflower.

      And I am sure I won’t like anyone in the office. But since you have also experienced it, hopefully I am not that crazy.


  3. marriagebooklin
    Aug 17, 2015 @ 16:34:13

    Very beautifully expressed thoughts. Kudos.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: